I gave my dear friend & technophobe Docky one of my old PCs recently, and this is his first email he sent me, once he'd worked out the instructions I'd written him. The inspiration behind this email is that I'd said I might be driving to Trencrom hill in Cornwall to visit him at any moment, and he's a bit afraid of the 'pop in':

Hello?...hello?..this is trencrom calling...is anybody out there?...hello?..if you can hear me reply now across all frequencies...hello?... i`m sorry captain there`s no reply...i guess we`re the only ship left. -thank you bosun.we can only hope their end was swift and not overly runny.assemble the crew,its time to make a stand,for it seems we shall never outrun our pursuers.oh,and flash up starchart116>M1a:lets get our backs up against a decent wall! Number3 display shields and angle all mirrors. wake the blowfish, its time they earned their keep.and i`m damn sure we all want to see just how well they perform in realtime. dont believe the hype Number4?..well lets just call this a bar room brawl at the starless cafe;chairbusters anonymous... _captain,a signal!..a message coming through.i dont recognise the patterns and the rhythm makes no sense, but someone out there is making contact! _at last!excellent! perhaps a chance now for diplomacy and negotiation to carry the day! Somebody ask Nobular Quartz to attend me in my cabin at his earliest etcetera.and run those noises by `Kingbrain,see what he makes of them.if its a language he`ll speak it. Number5! i shall require full fig:medals badges,buttons,and that pink helmet with the plume and pelmet.Don`t snigger boy, if we do manage a vidlink, you`d be amazed at how...affecting a shiny suit can prove. never fails to buy time..and the occasional marriage proposal.Number3 maintain current levels,and you may transfer 30% shieldforce if necessary to the Speakeasy:lets crack this code!.Gentlemen prepare to meet the neighbours!

This is my reply, written as a letter to my lover, before I leave:
My darling. This might be my last chance to write to you before we go in. We are chasing down the last ship and have received intelligence that the buffoon Trencom is on board. To capture the 'brain' behind the enemy's latest weapon, would put a good few medals on my front and maybe even a P.O.O.P. behind me. Of course capturing him would imply close-quarter fighting. We can't just vapourize them from a distance like we did the others, and we're down to our last ten men, including my cabin boy. Hopefully our trump card will come into play soon. Always good to have a man on the inside, as my Headmaster used to say. Anyway, I must away. We only have minutes before we get them in range and Trencom's bound to try some delaying tactic. If he puts on that pink tea cosy with the chicken attachment, I'll wet myself! As ever my dear, you are in my mind every minute. All my love, Fender xxx

Then he wrote back:
Scene:captain`s table,bare minutes later . the captain and his guest are seated,either side of a glittering repast: -Nobular Quartz, my oldest friend,my darlingheart, pass the onions man,pass the cream of blame. _"That that that i sanctioned had had such a much needed feed,&,fed,bleeding,fled .Captain hold this,this thistle, this fist of nettles.wrestle these kisses,& kissed;be bold below ....behold! _Mmm.watercress? _`shroom with a view, Captain! Ace of Space,in Lace! _Oh no ! so Nobby,you`ve spiked the soup again? another table for two at the zoo? shall i wear my tangerine bream ?er .was there? tell me was there a point to this recently?must you make that ridiculous face ? you absolute tosser i might EXPLODE oh for an adipose fin, for the sunfish are calling me _EH,CAPITANO Relax my dear friend! look around...we`ve arrived...float there and relax ,ignore the flaccids ,they`ll piss off if you`re polite,now step out of the sea and look around:we`re approaching a bar on a beach,i`m bone dry and dressed to kill ,you however are still drenched from the waves tugging at our heels ,so think dry;don`t crowd me but stay close,think cool,be cool.Nothing here is quite what it seems yet everything is exactly as it appears...yes there are babes here too no she`s not quite old enough yes she`s well up for it if you TREAT HER RIGHT.hey captain she`s fluff,remember? they`re all just white noise NOT REAL Pay attention!...NOW...,the girl with gimlet eyes over by the ice machine .has a message for you and as such is the only combatant with whom you need interact so be nice and be interested;go get her,Romeo!

It did then continue but he's decided to turn it into a script so I can't show you any more...